Cow’s Life - Thinking Outside Of The Barn

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another…
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm

Here are 2 sites I had ran across during my internet surfing days, I thought they were kind of funny, so I thought I’d share them with y’all.

NaDa - You won’t get Blue Screens Of Death with this one

FU-FMe - For all y’all pent-up cyber worms (WARNING: Explicit Contents),
because of the nature of the site, and in effort to keep Yuna’s site clean, I have redirect this link to Google, just do a search and you’ll find this site.

Have you ever met a woman that would complaint about her diamond engagement ring being too big? Probably not eh?

Well, the ever more popular Hollywood Socialite/TV celebrity/Billion $ Trust Fund Baby is in the news recently for complaining about her brand spanking 24-carrat diamond engagement ring. Apparently, the ring is so heavy and causes her so much pain, that her man had to get her a Cartier platinum band for everyday wear. Boy what a terrible dilemma for her (chuckle chuckle).

On a side note, the need of a diamond engagement ring was not common practice until late 1930’s when the South African De Beers Consolidated Mines, Ltd in corporation with advertising agency N.W. Ayer & Son set out on one of most successful and profitable marketing campaign to strengthen the association of diamonds with romance. Their initial targets were actually young men. By 1947, the slogan “A Diamond is Forever” was forever etched into our romantic traditions. Here’s the complete history -= Forever Diamonds =-.

My friend rebutted me once when I commented on her obsessions with shiny small rocks, “Why are you guys so obsessed with your gadgets and cars then?”

She’s got a point there…

HAPPY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY YUNASVILLE!

Thanks to Cyco Miko’s contribution.

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
8. Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

So, who here has bought something for way too much Cha-Ching just because they felt the uncontrollable urge to own it. I know I have, either because it’s something I have wanted for the longest time or just simply out of stupidity. However some prices are just ridiculous.

We have all seen the growth of real estate values in the past few years, and for all ya’ll red necks out there, here’s something to be proud of. An article in a recent issues of USA Today, discussed the price of Mobile Home prices in Malibu, CA. Apparently, the properties of a certain trailer park is worth MILLIONS! I guess this gives a whole new definition to Trailer Trash….

In related news, real estates in Compton and Harlem has also risen. Equality in the strangest forms.

Food for your thoughts:

So I was chatting with a friend the other day, her MSN name for that day was:

LIFE is like getting raped, sometimes there is no use fighting it, so why not enjoy that brief moment of painful pleasure

So I said to her, “wow, interesting name…”, and she replied, “oh yeah, but that’s not all”.
“What else?” I asked, and she replied:

WORK is like gang-rape, you do one, and another one, and another one, and another one…

So, there’s been a lot of hoop-la about sharks in the waters of Florida beachs lately. Just today, I was having lunch and guess what was on the news? Really, this is nothing new, Florida averages about 30 shark attacks a year, but with all the media fanfares, now that Eee-Hee-Jackel’s trial is over, why aren’t they doing more about it?

Wait, what’s this? Well, well, well, slap me silly, and call me a smart donkey, somebody has invented, drum roll please, the miraculous “Shark Shield”. It suppose to generate a electric field that annoys the hell out of the sharks, and it might even cause the shark to have horrible cramps and spasms if they get close enough. It’s targeted specifically to sharks, so it won’t harm you or any other marine lifes. The portability is so so, about the size of a laptop battery, with a 3 foot long hose attached to it for the electrodes.

Unfortunately, even with the new improvements, the original technology this is based on is only effective 60% of the times, which means 1/3 of the time, you are still shark bait, and the price tag for this thing is over $700. Come on Walmart, this is perfect investment opportunity for you guys. I’m sure you can get the price down to $69.99, and QVC will sell it for 3-easy payments of peanuts.

Well, time to strap on my laptop battery and jump into the boiling hot pool at the hotel.