How To Become An Ass Kicking Consultant
I worked my butt off in the late 90’s to climb to the Advisory Architect/Designer position. Then, I was crashed and burned on a very high profile project in 2002 so I stepped back to be a happy system engineer. Despite a few complains and long hours, I was pretty happy to stay away from the politics most of the time.
After my Denver project, I decided to give my old job another shot. So, to brush up on my Archtiect/Designer skills, my manager sent me to attend an industry leading IT Architecture class.
Today, I spent 10 hours in the classroom and learned one thing. That is, in order to win the customers, make things sound and seem as complicated as possible. Here is an example:
Instead of saying, “Let’s figure out a way to help our clients to make some money. “
We’d put out a dozen slides that look like this:
So, if you are interested in becoming a high paying smart ass consultant, take an English vocabulary class and learn some real big words such as Market Strategy, Framework, Methodology, Competency, Integration, Governance, Industry-Focused, Line Of Business, etc.. Then, try to answer every question with no less than 250 words, the longer the better. The ultimate goal is to make your audiences’ heads spinning. If you are producing a diagram, make sure to use Microsoft Visio and the final product should look like a meatball spaghetti dish stirred by a baby. Finally, remember to provide a “Six Flag Great America” sized bill even if the client is asking for a swing set. If you are lucky, you can make $200K a year, thanks to the higher-than-prostitution rate we are charging.
Want some more tips and tricks? Read the following fantastic tips and examples:
-
How IBM answers client’s question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
(This is my modified version based on the old Anderson Consulting’s Value-Added Chicken Architecture) - In order to become a consultant, you need to first have the prostitute’s mentality. Use this check list to make sure you are ready for the job.
- Case study: Consulting Sheep
Now, buy a BMW M5 and good luck!
Kris said,
October 6, 2005 @ 3:42 pm
As per our conversation, I think I’m going to stick with academia for a while.
Yuna said,
October 6, 2005 @ 4:02 pm
Oh, it’s actually not that bad… We just have to gather a lot of presentations with those 500000000000 feet level wordings and head spinning diagrams and the customers are usually pretty happy with what they see.
Large consulting firms like mine is very good at asset managmenet and reusability so you can use the same deck to fool quite a lot of customers. After a while, it’s a no brainer job… Even idiots will sound like experts…
Ok, I am not helping, am I?
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