Can Exes Still Be Friends?
Logical Analysis
If we ditch our personal experiences and opinions for a second and look at this question purely from a logical perspective, the short answer is NO.
And here is why:
- Mutual breakup is a rare case. Most of the time, one partner is the heartbreaker and another one is going to cry head over heals for weeks or months. As long as the feelings or rages/angers are still there, there is not a chance to get back to the friends’ circle.
- Here is a question to ask yourself, “What is your reaction if your ex introduces you to his/her new found lover?” If you feel like digging a hole and go hiding, or wanting to beat the crap out of your ex’s new lover, then forget about the friends thing. You are not over the heartache yet.
- Even if exes don’t have feelings for each other anymore, passion and sexual chemistry may still exist. After all, that’s someone you have spent so much time with. And sexual chemistry is a NO-NO for friends, unless you want to be friends with benefits. Well, then the whole ex-situation will just get uglier.
- Most time when the dumper flees the scene, he/she may not want to have anything to do with you ever again. So your best intention of being your ex’s friend even if you have successfully put the past behind you won’t do any good if there is no such a friend to be with.
- You still have to respect each other, care for each other and trust each other after the bitter breakup. What are the odds of that?
So unless the two of you were great friends and truly respect each other before; broke up because of the perfectly mutual agreement; both have no jealousy issues for either of you seeing new people, and both can still be totally honest with each other, I’d say forget about this whole friend thing. Delete him/her from your life forever and move on. If your ex is not the one, then you can certainly live without him/her and find your true happiness.
Still Stands A Chance?
OK, you still respect each; you don’t hate each other; you want to have one more friend to enjoy your favorite old movies with you; and he/she is a good listener when you need counseling and caring. So what do you do to turn things around and make it work? Try this guide. If you are lucky, you might be able to pull it off.
Real People Real Stories
Ok, enough of my logical analysis on this question. What happens in real life?
Here is a link to 21 responses from real people to tell you whether they think exes can be friends or not.
I also found some success cases when the exes do stick with each other (source: Chicago Tribune eidted by Cheryl Lavin):
Jane: “I’ve stayed close friends with two of the last three guys I was in a significant relationship with. (The third was not a safe relationship, and I decided not to continue a friendship.) We’re able to talk about our feelings. We’ve worked to find each other new matches. We still get together and watch old movies, eat popcorn and talk about the trials of dating. We’re there for each other.
Elise: “I’m fortunate enough to have been able to remain friends with several former flames. It wasn’t always easy, and there were weeks or months when we didn’t talk after the relationship was over. But once both of us got past the hurt or anger, it was just so much easier to remain friends than to waste time worrying about running into each other.
“The way I see it, if you like someone enough to spend time with them, get to know them, be intimate with them, it makes perfect sense to continue to see them on a friendly level if you can put aside whatever differences it was that made you break up. It takes so much less effort to continue to like the person as a friend than it does to waste your energy intensely disliking them. Life is too short.”
Final Thoughts
I personally only witnessed one successful exes-becoming-friends case. They are my parents. But it took them more than 7 years and sometimes I wonder if the bitterness still exists. So, I am not so optimistic about exes-being-friends’ scenario simply because the human nature, passion, jealousy and bitterness can easily outweighs the good will and reasoning. But like I said earlier, everybody has different experiences and opinions about this and you might find it worthwhile to re-connect with your ex. After all, the thought of having one more friend and one less stranger (or enemy at least) does sound pretty appealing. But do make sure that before you re-connect, you have no intention what-so-ever to beat the crap out of your ex’s new lover.
Travelling Aussie said,
September 20, 2005 @ 4:22 am
It seems that when I breakup with ex’s I seem to end up staying friends with them and sometimes staying in touch. Over time I have lost contact with most of them as I have moved cities or even moved countries. But I dated a girl for just over 2 years (many moons ago) and we broke up, then a few months later she got together with my best friend. At first this pissed me off, but then I looked on the bright side they were happy together, plus I had also moved cities (makes it easy). They are married now and we are all still the best of friends. We stay in contact via phone and email, plus visit each other when we can.
Why lose a perfectly good friendship over a ex, when you can have two very good friends.
So end of the day it really depends what sort of a person you are and if the person is really worth while to stay in contact with.
Terry said,
September 20, 2005 @ 8:21 am
I married my ex. We met in high school and broke up after I moved to another town for college. Many years later we realize we are still in love. Why letting the perfect one go? Although eventually everything worked out, we had to deal with long distance for a while and it was all worth it.
paco said,
September 20, 2005 @ 9:42 am
I found that friends who I messed around with (the old friends with benifits) usually stay friends. However, ex’s from a real relationship never worked out for me.
Yuna said,
September 20, 2005 @ 11:51 am
Good to know that it worked for some of you. I agree with Traveling Aussie.. At the end of the day.. it all comes down to whether the person is worth while to stay connect with..
Although I do question how many of those “exes-turned-friends” are superficial or casual contacts who just say hi once a while. Either way.. still beats having an enemy…
Beth said,
September 20, 2005 @ 11:59 am
Having dated quite a bit, there are lots of factors to consider when trying to be friends with an ex. In situations where children are involved, it is best to be friends or at least adopt a friendly atmosphere for the kids sake. Aside from this, one must be honest with themselve on why this friendship is so important to maintain. Are we holding out on the possible thought of reunion, secretly hoping the other with change their mind? Is the friends pool in such shortage? Whatever the reason, unless the friendship is based on pure common interests, you risk the chance that one late night turns into a sleepover. So the true test may be when you meet your next love interest, whether he/she is cool with the idea… friends with an ex.
Yuna said,
September 20, 2005 @ 12:28 pm
I am wondering if my parents would still be friends if they didn’t have me.. I feel bad for those couples who hate each other’s guts but still have to stay in contact because of their kids…
Bruce Willis, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s case is probably rare.. or maybe it is just another typical Hollywood story..
Yuna on behalf of Kimmi said,
September 20, 2005 @ 4:23 pm
“Just Good Friends” and Ex Don’t Mix
Yuna said,
September 20, 2005 @ 4:30 pm
Hi Kimmi, I loaded your scanned pic on the server. It’s quite hard to read it .. but I managed to get the main point from the title of this Aussie article…;-)
Thanks for sending it in.. So we got a 50-50 split between the Aussies here… Any Brits?
Jada said,
April 18, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
I went through a breakup last week. He ended it and of course he wants us to stil be friends. Do I think being genuine friends is realistic? Not really. I’ve been wondering and thinking about whether having him still in my life will help bring out the best in me and make me a better person. I’m not sure that the answer is yes. I really think that when the dumper decides to end a relationship they don’t deserve your friendship. They deserve to live with that decision Cold Turkey. When the dumper has the nerve to suggest remaining friends they are really just thinking of themselves. I guess they figure that if you still want them around after they’ve ripped your heart out of your chest., then they aren’t such assholes and it alleviates them from feeling guilty. I say forget it. They had their window of opportunity. Besides why live in the past.
Example. if you’re boss fired you from your current position but offered you a demotion would you stick around? Hell No. I know all of what I’m saying is easier said than done but i do believe that it’s just best to let them go all together. They will get over it and you are better of without them.
Yuna said,
April 18, 2006 @ 11:26 pm
I can’t agree with you more on this. You are so right that when the dumper suggested the friendship, they wanted to feel a bit better about the decisions they made. If you still have feelings, any feelings for him, then give yourself a space without him. Try not to communicate with him in any ways for at least 90 days. I mean, no emails, no phone calls, fo course no seeing each other, no nothing… nada!
Well, it would be hard initially, that’s why you need support from your own friends. If you only have mutual friends, which was my case, at that time, I had to stay away from all of them, which was extremely hard and heartbroken. But I had to heal myself. So I went out and met new friends on my own. I started a new hobby - rock climbing. Not suggesting you to do the same, but you gotta do something to give yourself some strength, do something to feel good about yourself. Rock climbing helped me to move on and through that sport, I met a lot of great climbers and they now become my wonderful friends.
I actually gained a lot from my breakup. I discovered a lot of my hidden strength and I know no matter what happens, I can take care of myself and move on. Most importantly, I understand that my happiness should not depend on other people. It is coming from inside.
So go out and meet the world. He doesn’t deserve you and you have the whole wide world waiting for you. There will always be a nice guy waiting for every one of us and you know you deserve someone who appreciates you and treats you as a princess.
Jada said,
April 19, 2006 @ 6:34 am
Hey thanks for the pep talk Yuna. You are right. The breakup occurred last thursday and the first two days were like sitting at the bottom of a black well. I have to admit that each day I feel a little bit better than the day before. The part that bothered me the most, is the 10 days prior to the axe coming down. He was negative, distant, avoided my calls, didn’t return messages when he said he would and to top it off he wasn’t going to tell me about the breakup until yesterday even though he had already come to a decision. Thank goodness I actually chose to confront him about it last week. Otherwise he was going to take his time and tell me later than sooner. I perceive this as having no consideration for me or my time. He didn’t behave like a “quality person” and I just can’t forget that. It has reminded me to always pay more attention to what a person does and less to what comes out of their mouth. For this reason when I confronted him I just wanted to know the bottom line. NO flowery BS. Are you and and I done? Yes or No? He obviously didn’t like my cut and dry question because he didn’t want us to be done “forever” just done as a couple. The part that annoyed me very much was that he got a headstart in detaching himself from me in his mind. Anyway I am ranting.
My close friend says that it is alot more difficult being the Dumper as opposed to being the Dumpee. She says that breaking up with someone you loved and still care about as a person is a VERY difficult thing to do no matter what the reasons. As Dumper you are the one making the decision so you question whether you might be making a mistake and worry about hurting the dumpee and possibly losing them forever. Since the Dumper makes the decision they in essence have to own that decision too. She says that the dumper also gets lableled as an asshole for hurting you and must live with that guilt especially if they care about you as a person, whereas the dumpee has no responsibility at all other than to feel bad about being rejected and to move on. As long as the dumpee sticks to having zero contact afterward then the dumper will pretty much feel bad about the breakup for a long while and wonder whether the dumpee hates them that much to want nothing to do with them. Her theory is that they may feel relieved after they give you the bad news. But as time passes if they don’t hear from you at all afterwards and really wanted to remain in “contact” then they do end up feeling a bit of a sting when they think of you. I don’t know if I agree with my friend but I guess what she says has some merit. I say if they miss you afterwards then good for them. They kind of deserve it. Like I said being friends with the dumper afterwards is just giving them exactly what they want. To have you around at their own convenience. People tend to want what they can’t have. Why give them the satisfaction? That’s their problem, let them take their lumps. My message to those who are going to dump someone, please tell them ASAP. Don’t delay it and behave all wacky and withdrawn before you come up with the guts to tell them. Leaving someone hanging is not cool and dragging it out is VERY selfish.. Have some respect for them as a person and for the time they need to to get over the relationship. The sooner they know about it, the sooner they can move on. So do you agree that being the Dumper is more difficult? Have a great day.
Yuna said,
April 19, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
Matter of fact, I actually wrote about how people should break up with each shortly before I posted this article:
http://www.yunasville.com/archives/162
I was puzzeled too about why nice guys acting like assholes when they are the dumpers.
Anyway, hope that “DNA” explanantion can make you feel a bit better…
I think the Dumper will suffer a great bit if he/she doesn’t hear from that person anymore assuming he/she still cares about the Dumpee. But in a lot of cases, the Dumpers don’t want to have anything to do with their exes and they quickly move on. So it really depends on how much the Dumper still feels about the Dumpee. But regardless.. you are done with him… It shouldn’t matter to you how he feels anymore.. What ever he wants to feel, let him be… It’s only matter of time for you to move on too… until you meet a good guy who appreciates you.
Jada said,
April 20, 2006 @ 4:54 am
Thanks again Yuna. I think you have a great site. Have a great day.
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